My group of close people has dwindled as the number of kids has increased, and also with us still being cautious about Covid. The majority of people around me are my close family and friends. This is a source of self-revelation and an avenue to provide me more time for independent self-reflective study – I have learned that I may have been a “closet introvert” for most of my life, and really enjoy going deep with a few relationships! Anyway, I digress…
As in all human interactions, it’s normal to agree to disagree and I think we’re even more likely to vociferously dissent with those we love. I had a disagreement with someone recently with my kids around, and while it was civil, I could tell my oldest child (5 almost 6) was uncomfortable with seeing two people he loved disagreeing vocally.
This is all fine and not bad! People are allowed to disagree and it’s good for children to see adults disagree healthily.
But I felt like there was a chance I overstepped my bounds. Was it wrong, or a sin? No. But in order to make 100% sure the other people knew that I valued them and their opinions, out of respect for her, I apologized. And I made sure to do it where my kids could hear. And they were able to hear us confirm our love for each other.
When my kids slight each other (intentionally or accidentally), they also have to say sorry to each other. “But, I didn’t MEAN IT!” Is a common retort from them. “It doesn’t matter, it happened,” is my reply.
I wasn’t accustomed to saying sorry as a child and have worked over the years to make it part of my regular vernacular. Nothing like marriage and parenting to give me plenty of opportunities for it! I started my kids young with apologies and I love it. My kids, while not always happy about apologizing, naturally do it often. They also ask for forgiveness (“I’m sorry, will you forgive me”) and understand that they may not be forgiven by the offended party and that that is out of their control.
This is a great foundation for me as I think about my own approach to confession. I am very legalistic and used to regularly do a gut-check for mortal sins only, and luckily I was (uh) clear. For a long time the “once a year” was good enough for me, those were the rules.
But as I’ve grown I understand that acknowledging our wrongs and faults and slights, no matter how trivial, is not only good for those around us, but is a concrete way to focus on humility and putting our pride in check. My sins aren’t of the “you’re going down down down…the ring of fire” route but they’re there and if I let them become weeds, my soul will have a lot of weeding to do. When I nip them in the bud by recognizing them, confessing them, and asking peers to help keep me accountable, I can grow. I also allow myself to be vulnerable. This is good when prevailing attitudes may tell us we need to preserve our reputation at all costs, or that acknowledging blame is not important or even to be avoided.
So if you’re not sure if something went well, humble yourself enough to say sorry. Even if you’re not sure it’s apology-worthy. The stating of a genuine sorry is an admission that you are fallible and that others matter enough for you to go out of your way to ensure they feel valued and safe. Do this with yourself, with others, and with God. Any while you or others may not always grant forgiveness or resolution in the way you want, God, in His rebounding mercy, will await you with open arms!
Let us Pray:
Loving God, you chose to make each and every one of us. Knowing the flaws and sins and craziness that would arise.
Help us open our hearts and souls to humility and love.
Let our will decrease so that your will and understanding and wisdom increases in us.
Give us the courage to put others first, in our minds as well as in our actions.
Help us lead others on the path of humility, which ultimately brings peace and leads us to you, the source of all Love.
We love you. Forgive us all our sins, and give us the tremendous grace we need to forgive ourselves and others.
Amen.