We all made it through another summer of the big kids being home with me while I worked a full time job. We even sprinkled in play dates and swim team practices and a vacation. It was a ton of fun but I’m so glad to rest now that we’ve all transitioned back to the school season schedule.
I’m in car line for the first time this year and while I hate waiting and have found good stuff to listen to while I bide my time, I can’t help but also remember how much I prayed to be in this position — in a minivan carting my kids around — because that meant that I was a mother. I’m so happy that for me the cross of infertility no longer stings as it used to because my heart is filled.
Parenting is not easy and I won’t pretend that there aren’t times where i wonder if God’ll tell me He gave us a gift to be able to choose to be childless and we ignored it. But I do wonder if the perspective of my cross of infertility allows me to look fondly in all these times of pain and remember that this is the fulfillment of that which I prayed and the Lord did turn His ear and grant the desires of my heart.
Without this cross, the act of raising a family would be just another thing for us. It would be a natural consequence of our marriage. But with the cross, it becomes a unique story of how God’s love conquered where human flesh could not.
My next stage in parenting appears to be learning about emotions and self-regulation and co-regulation and the more I learn as a parent, the more I realize how much work is still left for me. And I know God knew we would be able to make ourselves all the more closer to Him through the children He gave us.
The cross of infertility, like the cross of Christ, is not one that we look at once and understand. It is good to sit and contemplate Christ’s cross and our crosses in our various stages and feelings to understand what speaks to us and how we can embrace each cross and its gift to us. In it which causes suffering, we die to ourselves which will allow us to be born to eternal life.